I admit to totally sucking at Halloween. I never plan a costume, never decorate the house, barely remember to go out and buy candy for the kids to steal off my front porch. If a bunch of friends sucks me into going to a party, I end up frantically searching the wreckage of the costume section at Target that afternoon, coming away with half a vampire makeup kit and a Sonny Bono wig, or something equally useless, and then have to figure out a “theme” that ties it all together. (Zombie hippie? Yes!)
So that said, this week’s picks include some costume ideas on the cheap for you last-minute preparers, as well as some examples, good and bad, of NFL-inspired costumes from years past.
Indianapolis (-8.5) at TENNESSEE: Colts
The scariest sight for Indy fans this season? Peyton Manning in a ball cap, watching glumly while his team self destructs. (I think they have a decent chance to rebound from last week’s beatdown for the ages, by the way.)
Recipe for the perfect Peyton costume? #18 Jersey (which I know you own, Indy fan. Who else were you gonna rock on game day? Donald Brown?) + neck brace (available at Walgreens) + hand made Manning Face mask.
Miami at NEW YORK GIANTS (-10): Giants
Unlike Peyton, Eli Manning scares Giants fans when he’s under center. You can repeat the same costume plan (the hard part might be finding an Eli jersey… I bet Mark Bavaro’s #88 outnumbers Eli’s #10 in the stands), minus the neck brace.
Jacksonville at HOUSTON (-9.5): Jaguars
I’m at a loss, Jaguars fan, on a costume idea for you. You could try to go with a Jack Del Rio “Keep Choppin’ Wood” theme, and dress up in a Jags pullover and a bloody hatchet, I suppose, but I’m not sure anyone else remembers that gag.
Minnesota at CAROLINA (-3.5): Panthers
Whatever you do, don’t do this.
New Orleans (-13.5) at ST LOUIS: Saints
Thousands of St Louis fans will be dressed up as empty seats in this one. Not have the Saints put up more points in a week (62) than the Rams have all season (56), but the St Louis Cardinals victory parade is scheduled for 4:00 that afternoon. This isn’t 18th century England. You don’t go to a hanging and a party in the same day.
Arizona at BALTIMORE (-13): Ravens
Joe Flacco may pretty much suck at quarterback for weeks at a time, but you ahve to give him credit: he knows how to party. And how to make fun of himself. (At least, I hope he’s making fun of himself.) Dude dressed up as The Situation last year. Props for going the extra mile and shaving the sides of his head. Pulls the whole look together.
Washington at BUFFALO (-6): Washington (Upset)
Mike Shanahan just makes it too easy. Get a coaches’ headset at Radio Shack, then head to the makeup section of your local reputable Halloween store. Split up a fake mustache into two bushy fake eyebrows, then get busy applying wrinkles to your face with an eyebrow pencil.
Put on a Redskins windbreaker, then scowl, grimace, and shout all night long. Threaten to change quarterbacks again. You. Are. Shanahan. And your friends should be terrified.
Detroit (-3) at DENVER: Lions
I picked the Lions, but the clear costume winner here is Tim Tebow. Possibilities abound, but if you have a friend willing to go drag (and everyone has one), you can combo as “Tebow and Tebow’s girlfriend” like these two did.
Or, maybe not. That looks a little too close for comfort.
Cleveland at SAN FRANCISCO (-8.5): Cleveland
Changed my pick here at the last moment, as Cleveland’s pass defense is top-notch, and its run defense — the key against San Francisco — has given up only three plays of 20 yards or more this season. Frank Gore’s breakout runs have been the key to the 49ers’ scoreboard fireworks, not anything that Alex Smith is doing. Meanwhile, if you happen to be at a party with Alex Smith, you could scare the hell out of him by dressing up as a new offensive coordinator. (White wig + glasses + padding = Mike Martz.)
New England (-3) at PITTSBURGH: Patriots (Lock)
Thousands of dudes have dressed up as Tom Brady over the years. The key to a successful Brady costume is being topical. This year, you’ve got to have lady hair, a supermodel (try to get an actual female, not the friend-in-drag) and terrible dance moves.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dgi2lY62Hto?wmode=Opaque
Cincinnati (-3) at SEATTLE: Bengals
#14 Cincinnati Jersey plus red clown wig (or as shocking a red spray color as you can find) = Andy Dalton. Done and done.
Dallas at PHILADELPHIA (-3.5): Cowboys
Speaking of scary things, that half point in this line scares me. No way do I think this game gets decided by more than a field goal. Got to go with the points in this one.
Meanwhile, there’s a whole canon of white dudes putting on blackface and dressing up as Michael Vick. While I think that’s (a) freaky and (b) really embarrassingly stupid, this year’s alternative is even creepier: the “White Michael Vick” look. Bonus points if you’re black and you’re daring enough to pull this off.
San Diego (-3.5) at KANSAS CITY: Chiefs
If you can still find it, buy the “Adult Baby Costume” … throw a Chargers Jersey in there, and you have an instant Philip Rivers look.
