There’s a lot of news stories flying around this week from shocking playoff performances to newly hired coaches to fired coaches and coaches that just don’t want to stay put. With so many moves happening, we’ve been treated to a vast quantity of press conferences that really don’t convey any true emotion or feeling. Relax. That’s what I’m here for. Here’s what I think these guys are really thinking beneath the veil of their own words.
Brian Schottenheimer: Boy am I glad to get out of Dodge. Don’t get me wrong, I love some of those guys in that locker room, but Rex’s commitment to Mark Sanchez is killing my ability to be effective. Last year, I was supposed to be the next big thing coming out of New York. Now, everyone was begging me to leave. No problem. It won’t be hard for me to find a new gig somewhere in the NFL, especially with my last name, and I’ll get to decide where I go. Yeah, I’ll land on my feet once I find somewhere with a good, young quarterback to coach up. Besides, staying with the Jets would have been like volunteering to stay on a sinking ship. I’ll take my money and walk.
Hue Jackson: I just got SHAFTED by a team I lived for, a team I gave everything for. This is a TRAVESTY. Who the [expletive] does Mark Davis think he is? First he won’t let me help with the process for finding a general manager, and now he has his new GM fire ME?! Well guess what? I didn’t need the Raiders anyway! You’ll pay! You’ll all pay! (slams door shut)
Mike Tomlin: I can no longer watch ESPN without compulsively vomiting all over the floor. This may qualify as the worst week of my life. We were favored by everyone to beat Timmy Tebow, and we blew it. I refuse to watch the game tape. Dick LeBeau is coming over later to talk. I think he’s supposed to be bringing the case of beer too. That’s good. I’ve almost run out. I really wish everyone would just stop making fun of our team. (sobbing) We did the best we could.
Tony Sparano: YES! I’m headed to the Big Apple as the Jets’ new offensive coordinator. I can’t wait to start working with the Jets’ young prodigy, Mark Sanchez. When I was with the Dolphins, Sanchez looked great as he threw the ball to our receivers. Some of the Jets players would get upset with him for some reason, but I think he just wanted to share the ball with both teams. I can’t tell you how excited I am to work under Rex Ryan either. With him leading the team, I may even be able to pull off a semi-competent appearance!
Mike Mularkey: Wait. I got the job? That’s great. Hopefully this thing turns out better than my fiasco with the Bills back in 2005. The Jaguars are at a key point in their history, and I really think I have what it takes to make this a great franchise. My first order of business will be to develop Blaine Gabbert into a great, young QB. Hey, I made Tommy Maddox look pretty darn good back in my days with the Steelers. How bad can it really be to do the same with Gabbert?
